By Corra Harris
Marriage is the oldest institution known to man. It is the only one preserved from the beginning in spite of everything, by his private, personal and voluntary support. Adam himself performed the first wedding ceremony. Observe the circumstances; they are significant: Until the very moment when the Lord presented Eve to him, Adam had to be told what to do, where to sleep, what to say. He lacked that animation and initiative which, in fact, only become characteristic of men after they began to be born of women. Something must be done. Thus, the woman—a divine inspiration! When the Lord presented her to Adam he made good for the first time, without being prompted as to what he should do, by quickly and enthusiastically assuming the gravest responsibility known to man. For it is written: “And Adam said, this is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh. . . . Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife. And they shall be one flesh.”
He called her “this.” Apparently he recognized her at first sight merely as his relative pronoun. She became a noun by marriage. But the celerity with which he performed his vows to her is indicative of the artlessness of men to this day in matters of love; and it is encouraging to women who have not yet acquired husbands. It means that men will marry when they will do nothing else. Therefore you have no reason to hurry or choose the wrong Adam because he proposes. The world is crowded with Adams at the present time, differing only in circumstances, not in nature, from the one Eve had to take. You have only to keep up appearances and be patient. But do not look patient. Self-confidence, assurance is your insurance against spinsterhood.
He called her “this.” Apparently he recognized her at first sight merely as his relative pronoun. She became a noun by marriage. But the celerity with which he performed his vows to her is indicative of the artlessness of men to this day in matters of love; and it is encouraging to women who have not yet acquired husbands. It means that men will marry when they will do nothing else. Therefore you have no reason to hurry or choose the wrong Adam because he proposes. The world is crowded with Adams at the present time, differing only in circumstances, not in nature, from the one Eve had to take. You have only to keep up appearances and be patient. But do not look patient. Self-confidence, assurance is your insurance against spinsterhood.
Use your brains. Bear in mind that the reason Adam was so quick was because he did not need to consider expenses and the possible extravagances of his wife. The reputation modern maidens have for attaching themselves like barnacles to the pockets of their lovers keeps many of the best men from risking the peonage or bankruptcy to which marriage so often leads. Do not make a man pay you in baubles and dinners. That is not courtship. It is buying you on the installment plan. Remember, you have the advantage of him now, but after you have become his wife he has the advantage, and you may pay in poverty for your former extravagance.
Do You Know Why Men Shave?
Never court the man you choose. “Leave it to George.” Learn, even if you have now the ballot and equal rights to do the things that men do, it is still disastrous to do the things that they ought to do. Let him bear the whole responsibility beyond the legitimate feminine encouragement of being lovely and lovable. If you do not he is sure to remind you of it later, every time ne of you stubs a toe in the matrimonial path, which is a narrow one and not smooth. He is apt to do this anyhow with the gross facetiousness of his hex, even if he has gone upon his knees to win you. But in that case you are always in a position to remind him of this knee work.
One difficulty about choosing a husband is that now most men are clean shaven. This is much more of a disguise than all the rouge and powder women use to enhance their beauty. Very few women would marry some of the men they do marry if they had seen them with faces untrimmed and unshaven. Their beards tell the truth abut them. This is why they have become slaves to the razor. They are not good-looking, not a single one of them born into this world; quite the contrary. Take courage form Nature’s sweet and boastful candor, and believe in your face as she does. It helps.
Saving the Man With a Past
Do not marry a man who picks his teeth in the parlor or drums on the table with his fingers, not even if he is a millionaire. Leave him his tobacco, permit him to smoke with his feet on the piano, but do not marry a man who fights his own teeth in public places. It is a habit. He will never break it, because it is an indication of his quality, like the color of his hair.
Suspect any man who does not refer darkly and remorsefully to his “past,” from which you alone can save him. There is something fishy about his courtship if he fails to do this. It is out of drawing with the reverent deceit of an honest lover. He may never have done an untoward thing. But potentially at least every man as a “past,” even if it is no more than the plumage of his imagination. He is right about it. He feels the truth instinctively. And this is the truth: every man who is saved in this present world is saved by a woman, whatever may be said bout those who are not saved. Therefore, if he never refers to his past, he may have one too lurid to mention, and to which he is determined to remain wedded. Or he may be too conceited to admit his faults, which is the meanest kind of weakness, defended by a vanity that you will find intolerable as his wife, but must endure. “Endure” is a term which belongs in the marriage ceremony; it will last better than the obsolete word “obey.”
There are thousands upon thousands of good men, so well established in there mere virtues that they have nothing to confess. By all means marry such a man without fear of the monotony we instinctively associate with invincible integrity, because you will be delighted to discover that he has the usual faults and you will have a life’s work endeavoring to correct them.
But whatever you do, do not marry a man who claims to be a saint. He lives too much in his own imagination of himself. He is nearly always unconscious or a subconscious hypocrite. He will not live up to his professions with you, although he may do it with the brethren.
You may trust him to behave discreetly under circumstances where the normal husband might vary slightly from your ideal of him, but you cannot trust this ignobly perfect man’s charity and patience toward you, his wife.
His will become a sort of malicious omniscience, with eyes fixed upon your faults and limitations. But the Lord himself cannot convict him of his own faults. He will commit pious transgressions against your peace and liberty. He will keep you in bondage to his bigoted prejudices against the most innocent pleasures. He is fundamentally mean, and he has an evil mind. And no law can defend a wife from the evil mind of her husband. It is the most subtle form of tyranny. The only satisfaction you will ever get out of him will e the privilege of saying to your friends: “My husband is such a good man!” and they will agree with you compassionately, knowing well that you and your children are the victims of his righteous persecutions.
Do not infer because a man spends his substance freely for you during his courtship that he will be generous husband. The oracles of matrimony show quite the contrary. At this point marriage is always a leap in the dark. The poor young man might have been more generous than this rich one whom you have chosen because he was rich. Just resolve that you will not be skinned by a skinflint husband, and that you will not be extravagant and take your chances.
The safest risk as a husband is a man with three or four of the essential number-nine virtues, not the narrow toe-pinching kind, but the big, fine, gawky ones which make you laugh sometimes. And be sure he has the usual masculine faults to offset your own frailties, which you know you have, but he will not until his vision clears. At first he sees through the glass brightly, but presently your real shadow falls there. Then you are in for the matrimonial verities, and it is wise to have a common sinking fund of faults to forgive each other. You will discover that your happiness after marriage is more frequently renewed by mutual forgiveness than any other way.
Has He Hysteria of the Stomach?
If, however, you are so fortunate as to have such a lover, there remains one other qualification: Make sure before you marry that he eats virtually everything except—possibly—parsnips. This is a vegetable which whatever you do to it still tastes of paregoric, and no one should even be accused of eating it. But everything else he should eat. Commit him before witnesses on this point. Men are singularly perverse about what they will take as foods, even when they are strong and healthy, with ravenous appetites. Do not take a husband who admits he has indigestion, or who boasts of a persnickety appetite. There is no domestic slavery comparable to that of catering to the table tastes of a man who has hysteria of the stomach, whose eye noses his food and rejects it. Remember Carlyle’s wife and do not marry a man with an autocratic stomach, even if he is an eloquent lover. Carlyle was that, but he was an abominable husband.
In short, look to the attributes of the man whom you choose for a husband. Do not ask yourself merely whether you can live with him until death releases you, but chiefly whether you can live in the house with his peculiarities, temper, and so on, especially when you have your own.
From the Ladies’ Home Journal, November, 1921.
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