We Could End Typhoid, Dysentery, Hookwork in North Carolina if Everyone Had Sanitary Privies, Says H.E. Miller, 1919

The State Health Department was encouraging the building of sanitary privies throughout rural North Carolina in 1919. “A Twentieth Century Fairy Tale” by H.E. Miller, chief of the bureau of engineering and inspection, was published in the Aug. 1919 issue of The Health Bulletin, published by the North Carolina State Board of Health

Once upon a time there was a wicked, savage nation of Huns called Disease. The Kaiser, whose name was Typhoid, called together his lords and generals, among them Diarrhea, Dysentery, and Hookworm, and with their assistance set about to conquer the world. They speedily gathered around them many lords and warriors, who with their vassals eventually formed a mighty army.

The conquering armies of disease and death penetrated all parts of the world. Their spies and agents gained entrance to all public gatherings and to practically every home in the land.

It is possible that the world might have been eventually defeated had not the wicked Kaiser Typhoid and his ministers made use of an infernal engine of warfare, a bombing machine called the housefly, which flew into the very kitchens, dining rooms, fruit shops, and dairy houses, and dropped deadly bombs of pestilence and disease to kill neutrals, noncombatants, and women and children.

The hearts of the noncombatant nations, not only of the old world, but also of the new world, sickened at such infernal practices of warfare. In the new world there was a nation of lofty ideals. This nation, whose name was Sanitation, dwelt upon the continent of Education. They protested with the Kaiser against such ruthless practices of warfare, but received only insulting notes in reply. The people of this nation then realized that this was not and never had been a restricted warfare, but that it was a ruthless savage warfare, waged with the object of conquering the world. Therefore the nation of Sanitation declared war upon the wicked Hun, in order to assist the harassed and devastated peoples of the world.

On awakening to the emergency, however, they found themselves beset with spies, under the name of open surface privies, who had long been considered desirable citizens in every community in which they were found. The true character of the open surface privy was first discovered and brought to light by intelligence bureaus called Health Departments. Their investigations revealed the open surface privies to be spies of the most despicable character. It was found that under cover of what was supposed to be legitimate business they had gained entrance to practically every home in the land and left unseen the deadly germs of disease. It was learned also that by virtue of their business standing they had obtained positions of public trust, whereby they were sufficiently removed from suspicion, that they harbored, undetected, in and about their premises, great multitudes of marauders, and raiding parties, which had been secretly sapping the health and strength of the whole world. They also furnished landing places, food supplies and ammunition for the enemy’s bombing machines. With systematic propaganda these spies led the people to believe that the tales of savagery and ruthlessness from across the water were false, in order to keep them from entering the war against the Hun. When the people of the nation of Sanitation learned all these things, they rose up in mighty anger, and cast the once trusted enemy agents and spies out from their midst to a death of disgrace.

At this time, however, the power of the wicked enemy seemed to be at its highest. The hordes of Huns had long been coming on, in drive after drive. It seemed that their enemies’ resistance would soon be broken, thereupon they would be pushed into the sea. A dark cloud of dejection hung over the world. The new allies of the harassed nations found themselves unprepared for warfare, on account of the propaganda of the open privy. They speedily turned every effort to making ammunition and war material and training soldiers. Men, women and children worked day and night, hoping to get their armies into the field before it was too late. Meanwhile, their allies held on, being pushed steadily backward, clinging to the hope that the new ally, Sanitation, would enter the field before it was too late. Finally the armies of Sanitation, under the leadership of Generalissimo Sanitary Privy, came, and continued to come with ever increasing numbers until they occupied all parts of the field, whereupon the tide of battle turned, until in February, 1919, after having encountered countless losses, the wicked enemy saw that it was useless to resist longer, and asked for an armistice, which was granted by the General Assembly of North Carolina in February, 1919.

Peace terms were formulated by the State Board of Health and formally presented to the enemy on July 1, 1919. The terms presented shattered the power of the wicked enemy and forever banished the Kaiser Typhoid from the world as represented by the portion of North Carolina’s population coming under the provisions of the new law. They also provided for the wholesale destruction of his infernal machines of warfare, including the deadly housefly. The provisions of these peace terms demanded compliance by October 1, 1919.

The following summer found Typhoid and his chiefs shorn of their homes and power. They had become outcasts, never to be allowed upon the face of the earth again. 

Their wicked people are still paying the debt of reconstruction and restitution, while the world once so ruthlessly harassed and beset by spies, traitors and savagery, lives in peace and joy, protected by the league of sanitation, which is presided over by the sanitary privy.

                        H.E.M.